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Some Funny Things

January 24, 2009

Things You May Hear Just Before Unemployment…..

* I don’t know what we’ll do without you, but we are certainly going to try!

* We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is, I’m sick of you.

* Its not that you aren’t a responsible worker. In fact, you’ve been responsible for more disasters than any one else in the place.

* Today I’m going to mix business and pleasure. You’re fired!

* I’ve got good news for you. You won’t have to worry about being late for work ‘ever again’.

* Tell me – how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow?

 

The Facts of Life?

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they’re OK, you’re it.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid, too.

A diplomat is someone who can say nice doggie until he can find a rock.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Stupidity got us into this mess…

~ Stupidity got us into this mess… So why can’t it get us out?

~ People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

~ Indecision! It’s the key to flexibility.

~ Think about it! In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

~ I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

~ Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

~ My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

~ I am having an out of money experience.

~ I plan on living forever… So far, so good.

~ Not afraid of heights – afraid of widths.

~ I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

~ If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

~ I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.

~ Everyone has a photographic memory… Some don’t have film.

~ Save the whales. Collect the whole set!

~ On the other hand, you have different fingers.

~ Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

Other deep thoughts…

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why isn’t ‘phonetic’ spelled the way it sounds?

Where are Preparations A through G?

“In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!”

“If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!”

“How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?”

“Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!”

“A plastic surgeon’s office is the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!”

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

Honk If Anything Falls Off

He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest

If God didn’t want us to eat animals why did he make them out of meat?

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “THEIRS”?

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

I Yell Because I Care”

“Procrastinate Now”

“Rehab Is for Quitters”

“Re-Elect Nobody”

Across a drawing of a skeleton)
“Waiting for the Perfect Man”

“My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse…
He Couldn’t do Better and I Couldn’t Do Worse”

“My Dog Can Lick Anyone”

Bumper Stickers for Your Car or Truck!
If you don’t like the way I’m driving, YOU come get these handcuffs off!

If you are close enough to read this, I am close enough to slam on my brakes and sue you.

Don’t look back, they might be gaining on you.

Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.

Drive defensively – buy a tank.

Don’t make me mad – I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Go on, I’ll see you at the next traffic light.

I may be slow but I’m ahead of you!

Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?

On the back of an old pickup: If this truck was a horse, I’d have to shoot it.

I brake for tailgaters. Hard.

If you can read this, you are in phaser range.

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.

FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).

My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail.

Assorted Thoughts for today …

  1. I’m not aging, I just need re-potting.
  2. I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
  3. Lord, if I can’t be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
  4. My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
  5. I cleaned my house yesterday. Sure wish you could have seen it.
  6. This isn’t clutter; these are my antiques!
  7. Discover wildlife! Have kids!
  8. Our policy is to always blame the computer.
  9. Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
  10. Take my advice. I’m not using it!
  11. Mom, I’ll always love you, but I’ll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.
  12. By the time you find greener pastures, you can’t climb the fence!
  13. This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.
  14. Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.

Fun Things To Do During Boring Sermons

1)    Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
 2) See if a yawn really is contagious.
 3) Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.
 4) Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.
 5) Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with ‘A’ then ‘B and so on through the alphabet.
 6) Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you.  After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.

7) Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
 8) Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
 9) Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.
10) Whip out a hankie and blow your nose.  Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
11) Chew gum:  If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
12) Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
13) By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.
14) While people are locating the announced congregational song, step out in the aisle and begin waving your arms as if directing the hymn.
15) Sit close to the front, and during the prayer, turn around backwards, point, and count softly how many people do not have their heads bowed and eyes closed.
16) See how many hard candies you can stuff in your cheeks before someone catches you.
17) Begin coughing and get louder and louder until you get to excuse yourself and leave the room.
18) Choose a different song than was announced and begin singing it as loud as you can.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. rana permalink
    February 2, 2009 8:28 AM

    too funny.

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